How much of your life is controlled by others and how much by you?

Last month, I was fortunate enough to spend a weekend relaxing and walking in South Yorkshire and the Peak District. The weather was what we optimistically call “changeable” here in the UK! I’m not averse to carrying on walking in a light drizzle but, when it got very cold and very wet, decided that the small museum in Castleton looked exceptionally interesting!

Drying off and warming up in the museum, I noticed amongst the exhibits an old plaque displaying the Serenity Prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change:
The courage to change the things I can:
And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Now, like many of you I suspect, I must’ve seen that prayer a hundred times in one form or another. It always brings my mind back to the very basics of living in simplicity. This time, it also reminded me of the struggles we can have when caught in the rat race.

One of the problems we face in the rat race is that we can find ourselves spending a large part of our waking hours jumping through other people’s hoops. We might be keeping to strict working hours and conditions, for example, following rules we don’t agree with or codes of conduct that clash with our values. Maybe we live in an environment that feels oppressive or restricting because our needs and opinions are not being taken into account. Perhaps our life looks like it was designed for someone else. In this type of situation we can end up feeling very much like a victim of circumstance. Well, what can we do about that?

Acceptance.

We can just accept how life is and decide to be content with that. Too uncomfortable? I would suggest that acceptance is a great place to start with any situation but not a good place to stay for any length of time if it leads to us to becoming complacent or lethargic. (If you would like to read more about acceptance and the difference between that and complacency, then you could read my article “Accepting What Is”.  When we have regrets, start blaming ourselves or others and wishing “if only…” then we fritter our energy away and block ourselves to making progress.

In contrast, when we start by accepting our situation, then we are able to focus all our energy on moving forward and improving our lot. This, I think, is what is meant by the “serenity to accept”. Often, from this place of calm serenity we can start to see that there are indeed alternatives to playing the victim. We can begin to imagine a different way of living that is more in keeping with our nature. Our actions spring from our thoughts and being able to imagine some other possibilities than staying on the treadmill is the first stage to stepping off and towards a more fulfilling existence.

There’s another part to having the “serenity to accept”. This is about knowing that it’s ok to enjoy the journey however many highs and lows there may be on it! Rather than depriving ourselves of our happiness because we haven’t “got there yet”, we can cultivate an attitude of acceptance on each step along the way.

Courage

Being able to visualise an alternative way of living can seem easy compared to “having the courage to change the things you can.” There have been times in my life, just prior to a large and necessary change, when I have felt absolutely terrified beyond belief. This has usually been so severe that I have felt paralysed and totally unable to function normally. Having lived to tell the tale, I now know that that feeling of paralysis usually heralds a new awakening. So I find it much easier to “just be” when it happens, trusting that the phase of terror, and often confusion too, will pass. During one of these times, I was complaining about my agonies to my brother, a man of deep thought and very few words, and explaining that I felt as though I was at the bottom of a very deep, dark pit. He simply retorted “I guess the only way out is up then”. The next day, I sprang into action.

Wisdom

Which brings me neatly on to wisdom. How do you know when you can change something?

  • When you’ve encountered similar situations in the past and have found a way through it.
  • When you know about someone else who’s found their way through a similar situation.
  • When you can imagine yourself succeeding in making the change.
  • When you just know in your heart that it’s right for you.
  • When you can identify the parts of the situation that you have responsibility for.Remember that making a change doesn’t have to be a tangible, external change e.g. changing your home, changing your job, changing your partner. It can be a change in your attitude to your circumstances and your response to it. Living in serenity and simplicity is ultimately about jumping through your own hoops.