Shining a light on the darkness

We’re going to get courageous and face the darker emotions that you are likely to experience when negotiating any major life transition such as downshifting. The most prominent and potentially overwhelming emotion is fear. This is what I mean by the darkness of downshifting and I didn’t want to pass this by. Rather than do that, let’s shine some light on it and banish the gremlins that lurk at the backs of our minds, threatening to block our path.

What do I mean by gremlins? Gremlins are the negative thoughts we hear inside our heads that get in the way of our making headway.

What do those gremlins tell us?

That we can’t possibly live on less…

That everyone will think we’re mad…

That we’re being lazy and unambitious..

According to Susan Jeffers in her book “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway”, there are 5 truths about fear:

1. Fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow. In other words, working with fear is a natural and essential part of our personal development.

2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out…and do it! And by that we mean that it’s not good waiting for the fear to go away first. It won’t. But doing something about it will dispel the fear!

3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out…and do it! Doing something about it dispels the fear and makes you feel great! Finding the courage to face your fears is a great achievement and very satisfying.

4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else. In other words, it’s not just you who feels like this. Everyone experiences fear. Those who you see succeeding are not those who don’t experience fear, they’re just he ones’ who carry on regardless, who have found ways of saying to themselves “whatever happens, I can handle it!”

5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness. So, although it might not seem like it at first sight, pushing through fear or facing up to it is an easier option than sitting around worrying.

What are the main fears that face those who downshift?

In my experience, they are the fear of:
financial ruin
the effect on relationships
a crisis of identity.
taking a one-way ticket

What kind of techniques can we use to empower ourselves in these situations?

They come under three main categories:

Acceptance and knowing you can handle it.
Using love (love is an antidote to fear).
Working through it.

Fear of Financial ruin – lets take a look at the “acceptance and knowing you can handle it” approach first. The first step to doing anything with managing the financial side of downshifting is knowing exactly what your financial situation is. That means writing down everything you spend and everything you earn and keeping an ongoing record of it, usually on a month by month basis. If you are not already doing this then do this first!

I would suggest as a second step that you check to see whether you have enough in savings to act as an emergency buffer. A sensible amount might be the equivalent of 6 months income. If you don’t already have this, then one of your goals might be to establish a plan to do this.

If you have significant debt or need investment or insurance advice, then you might want to consider approaching an Independent Financial Advisor. If you do this, then I would strongly recommend having accurate records prepared and clear objectives written down before your meeting with them. This reduces the cost of using their services as it minimises the time they need to spend helping you.  It’s also a good idea to ask them beforehand whether they will charge you an hourly rate or whether they get paid commission on any policies you subsequently take out through them.

Once you have a handle on your current financial situation then you can start to calculate how much you will need to live in your downshifted lifestyle. Examine carefully those areas in your life now where the expenditure doesn’t justify the rewards or where there are obvious, less expensive alternatives. Cost cutting can begin now!

Relationships – what effects will your change of lifestyle have on your significant other, your children, your parents, other extended family members? What about your friends? Which of these people supports what you are doing or planning, who doesn’t?

The key to success with relationships is using love to overcome fear. There are three parts to this, the three C’s – communication, consent and common preferences.

Communication – make sure everyone in immediate family is given the opportunity to voice opinions. Have regular discussions, keep everyone informed of progress. This is especially important with children otherwise the whole situation can seem very unsettling for them.

Common preferences – find out what each person in your immediate family wants to happen. Really listen carefully and acknowledge what they say. Is it a want or a need? ( e.g. I want to live in Wales. What does that give you? Beautiful countryside, peace and quiet – that’s the underlying need.) Explore options that achieve the same result. This is the key to finding a result that suits everyone.

Consent – make sure you have everyone’s consent at each stage. Pay special attention at times when plans change and evolve.

Finally, do take your time over talking through plans with the rest of the family. Maybe downshifting is something you’ve all been discussing hypothetically for years, but if it isn’t, your ideas may seem completely radical to everyone else. This is a good time to explain you views from a position of love and compassion. You may need to accept that others may not see the situation from your point of view.

Crisis of Identity –  Here’s another example of “working through the fear.”You might be thinking “Who am I if I leave this job?”. How much of your self-image, your identity, your purpose in life, is tied up in your “professional role”? What other roles do you play in life?

Write down all the roles you play in life. Next to each of these, write downs the skills you have and use in order to fulfil each role. Then write down which parts of the “essential you”, the very core and essence of who you are, come into play in each of these roles.

Interesting exercise, isn’t it?

Think of how much of what you’ve said is tied up in externals e.g. I am a company director, I am a parent, I am a BMW driver, I am a gardener, I am a partner/spouse, I am a Man.Utd. supporter…

You can shed the externals, or decide to change them, but the “essential you” lives on and you take it with you. The “essential you” might well change too with your own personal and spiritual growth, but you’ll still take that with you into whatever role you choose to do next.

Fear of the one-way ticket – This is fundamentally a fear of making the wrong decision and of stepping outside our comfort zone.  There is another, less painful way of looking at this. We can decide that there are no “good” or “bad” decisions, just different decisions! This then leaves us freer to choose what we feel most suits us at the time, rather than what would appear “right” to anyone outside of our decision making process. Once a decision has been made to “go for it”, then I think the key to minimising feelings of regret or remorse is firstly to accept total responsibility for the decision and then to keep an open mind. It can be very tempting to try to protect one’s decision, whatever happens. You may feel that you have invested a great deal of time and effort in researching your decision and that, once taken, you have to stay on that path, come what may. Yet, it is likely that the path may not be easy or straightforward to navigate. Or, it might be very easy to navigate, but start heading off in a completely different direction to the one you expected to take! Now is a good time to remain flexible, to correct and learn from any mistakes, to forgive yourself and to carry on moving forward.