1. Encourage single focussed activities.
2. Help them to trim down their timetable.
3. Review their diet with them to see if it can be made more nourishing and enjoyable and less processed.
4. Encourage them to walk, cycle or swim whenever possible. Make a pact to leave the car at home at least one day per week.
5. Encourage their observation skills, using all their senses. This will also help them to slow down. (What can you see? What can you smell? Etc)
6. Try to have at least one family meal per week i.e. where you’re sat around a table together at the same time with no other distractions such as TV.
7. Introduce your child to growing some fruit or vegetables to help them make the link between the food on their plate and a sustainable production process.
8. Read to each other, even when your child is well past the stage where they’re “learning to read.”
9. Play board games together as well as video games.
10. Leave them alone when they appear to be “doing nothing”. When they say “I’m bored!” rather than rush to come up with suggestions for what they might do, just be at peace with their boredom and be available to listen to them.
11. Play music, tell jokes and stories, sing or dance together.
What other ideas do you have?
“I call heaven and earth to record this day to your account, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both you and your seed shall live. – Deut. 30.19”
We know. We have more than enough scientific evidence and plain common sense to know that we are currently choosing death. Not the death of the planet, but of a sizable chunk of the human race, if we perpetuate the Industrial Growth Society model. Whilst some will debate which technologies, which political leaders, which alternative energy sources are best placed to save us, the underlying truth seems to be that we will first need to change how we see and think and relate. But how? And what sort of changes are needed?
I feel blessed to have just spent a weekend with a group of about 50 warm hearted and enthusiastic people from the UK, France, Belgium and Catalonia. These people are not afraid to give, even in the face of unrelenting denial, apathy, aggression and fear emanating from those around them. We were engaged in facilitator training in a form of group work that helps to change mindsets and build sustainable communities. It’s called “The Work That Reconnects.” Thank you Alex, Dearbhaile and Maitrisara for leading us and doing the groundwork.
The spiral of the Work That Reconnects – gratitude, honouring our pain for the world, seeing with new eyes and going forth – is a process of acknowledgement and affirmation, creating a safe space, reframing, inspiring and motivating that will be familiar to many coaches. What this work offers is a set of exercises that are flexible enough to be incorporated into group coaching sessions and workshops that range in length from 1 hour to several days. They can be used for mediation, team-building and group healing.
Joanna Macy, who first developed the Work That Reconnects, says in her book “Coming Back to Life” that she wants to provide people with concepts from systems science, deep ecology and spiritual traditions to illumine our individual and collective power to play a part in the healing of our world. She also stresses the importance of recognising our interdependence, not just with each other but also with our ancestors and our descendents.
“Although it doesn’t feature in the day’s headlines or evening news, a silent revolution is occurring, bringing unparalleled changes in the way we see and think and relate. I imagine that future generations will look back on this period and call it the time of the “Great Turning.” It is the epochal shift from a self-destructive industrial growth society to a life-sustaining society.” Joanna Macy.
To use one of Joanna’s open sentence exercises: “One of the things I love about being alive today is…” that the Work That Reconnects is available to all.
There seems to be a kind of response to stress that says we need to work harder, force ourselves to give more, make it happen, cajole others into complying with our needs. I’ve noticed this urge in myself and travelled alongside clients as they’ve wrestled with this one.
Jess was starting a small business providing home-cooked pies for sale through local retailers. But things were not going well. She had advertised in the local press, approached retailers in person with her ideas and leafleted others, but only a few had agreed to take some samples to sell and of those, only one had placed a follow up order with her. Jess was at the end of her tether and on the point of quitting.
Why is it that things just insist on not working out right sometimes? Why don’t people just do what we want them to do? Just for once!…If that resonates with you, maybe you can relate to the feelings of disappointment, resentment, anger and frustration that result from talking to ourselves in this way and attempting to coerce ourselves and others into particular courses of action.
As if to add insult to injury, all that pressure, force and coercion that we put ourselves through in order to find a way out of our stressful situation only leads to yet more stress! Obviously this is not what you’d call an easy solution. So, what is?
Yes, stop right there. Stop pushing, stop forcing. Forcing and coercion are approaches that do not support sustainability or simplicity. I think the saying goes: “When you’re already in a hole, stop digging.” Now breathe, let out a big sigh and stand back to examine:
Who is it you’re trying to persuade? (Your partner, your child, your business colleague, your friend?)
What would you like them to do?
Whatever your answers to these questions, there’s a simpler, easier solution than persuasion and it’s a lower stress alternative too. It’s called the Art of Gentle Non-Persuasion and it leads to more harmonious and sustainable relationships all round.
A Need for Understanding. Firstly, see what you can do to understand the situation from the other person’s point of view. You will need to talk with them, ask plenty of questions and listen carefully to their responses. What are their needs in this instance? What would they like to happen? Where are the opportunities for them? Observe them too, their body language, their tone of voice and their willingness to chat. If it’s a child, the non-verbal clues could be particularly informative.
Then ask yourself the same questions: “What are my needs?”, “What would I like to happen?” “Where are the opportunities for me here?”
This is not about preparing yourself for a negotiation or about judging the information you receive as material you can use to persuade. All you’re aiming to do at this stage is to build up a picture of what the situation is all about, underneath any miscommunications or strong emotional reactions.
When Jess stopped and took a broader view of her unhappy situation, she realised that she needed to go back to the food retailers and have quite a different kind of conversation with them in order to understand what might work for them. As a result of this she understood that most of them wanted different terms of trading to those she had assumed would work. They loved her product. She had just been making it difficult for them to do business with her. As a result of her being willing to listen carefully to one particular retailer, she was offered the opportunity to run a cookery course on their premises, an idea that she welcomed and that led to some excellent publicity and continued sales of her pies.
An important lesson for Jess was to accept that some retailers were not willing to speak with her or listen to what she had to offer. Whilst she had been angry and disheartened by this situation initially, she came to understand that she could let go of wanting those situations to be different and concentrate on those people she knew were ready to listen to her.
Even out of those who were willing to listen and found Jess’s ideas interesting, only a handful were willing to take some samples from Jess on a trial basis. However, she began to believe that, by keeping in contact with these people and building friendships with those who were willing to listen but not act, she would secure further clients with time.
I remember reading a very useful book on parenting teenagers where it described the challenges of dealing with some aspects of teenage behaviour. I liked the approach of the book (details below!) because it suggested alternative approaches to doing battle with my teenage children. The author asked “What is more important for you, that you prove yourself to be right on this particular issue, or that you foster a healthy relationship with your teen?” You might also have heard the expression “Make yourself happy, rather than right.” Whether you are focussing on communicating with your partner, your children or your clients, the principles of simplicity and sustainability would support you in putting:
i) the relationship and
ii) finding mutually beneficial solutions
first over and above persuading anyone else of your point of view. This approach involves letting go of being attached to particular outcomes i.e. that you’ll be able to prove your point or that you’ll be able to persuade another to your way of thinking.
The Gentle Art of Non-Persuasion involves:
□ understanding,
□ listening,
□ knowing when to act and when to let go of the outcome and
□ making your connection with others a higher priority than having power over them.
Parent-Teen Breakthrough. The Relationship Approach. Mira Kirshenbaum
Something extraordinary happened at the UN Earth Summit in Brazil in 1992. A young girl of 12 years of age addressed the forum on behalf of the environmental organisation she had formed with some friends at the age of 9. As you will see from the following video, she spoke eloquently and with clarity and conviction well beyond her years.
What has happened to Severn Suzuki since then? She has gone on to study environmental biology and campaign on environmental issues as a young adult. In 2002, she had an article published in Time Magazine called The Young Can’t Wait, in which she stated:
“Real environmental change depends on us. We can’t wait for our leaders. We have to focus on what our own responsibilities are and how we can make the change happen…in the 10 years since Rio, I have learned that addressing our leaders is not enough. As Gandhi said many years ago, “We must become the change we want to see.” I know change is possible, because I am changing, still figuring out what I think. I am still deciding how to live my life. The challenges are great, but if we accept individual responsibility and make sustainable choices, we will rise to the challenges, and we will become part of the positive tide of change.”
How much more convincing do we need that sustainable living and working are urgent issues?
You might not have heard of John Welwood. He’s a psychotherapist who specialises in relationships and who uses both Western and Buddhist psychology to inform his counselling. The quote above is from his book “Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships” in which he explores the nature of love and also how we manage to get ourselves in such a muddle over it! On the surface we play out our conditioning in our relationships with others, whilst underneath –sometimes very deep down – we all have the capacity to make soulful connections.
Something else you might not have heard is that I am associate coach for the dating agency “Natural Friends” (www.naturalfriends.co.uk). Whilst relationship coaching is maybe not something you might readily associate with downshifting, sustainable living, or sustainable business, the connection for me in all of these things is the quality of our relationship with ourselves.
In my conversations with Natural Friends members and with my coaching clients, I’ve noticed a certain urgency about the need to find a new partner or change the one we have. And yet, according to John Welwood, we first need to accept and love ourselves. The same is true when we are considering changing our lifestyle. The first step is to accept and love ourselves, whatever our current circumstances, and then, from that position of wholeness, self-empowerment and open-heartedness, to consider what needs to change.
This site seeks to explore the heart and soul of downshifting to a more sustainable, ethical and holistic way of living and working, in keeping with the needs of the planet, humanity as a whole and ourselves as individuals. (read more)
