I love trees and feel blessed to live in a house that is surrounded by them. Some are huge, majestic and noisy in wild, wintery weather. Some, like my recently planted crab apples, seem perilously fragile by comparison and very dependent on the wooden stakes that support them. It is autumn (fall) here in the UK and the native deciduous trees are quickly being stripped of their leaves by high winds and heavy rain, leaving their stretching forms silhouetted against the cool, grey skies.

Trees play such a large part in our lives. On a practical level, they are the lungs of the earth and they are each self sustaining eco-systems in their own right. On a more subtle level, they can be symbolic of many aspects of human life. I’ve used this idea to map out some ideas on maintaining sound sustainable business relationships.

Roots

Groundedness – Ensure that you feel centred before any business meeting. Take time out to breathe, stretch, be in your body before conversations that require you to contribute or make decisions. Work on methods to keep your cool and build these into your daily routine.

Trunk

Support – Keep a list of people in your mutual support network and maintain regular contact with them. Make it part of your routine to give to these people. You can give referrals, tips, a lift in your car, pointers to useful resources, etc.

Strength – Make maintaining your health and wellbeing a business priority as well as a personal one. You cannot function at your best with others when you are feeling under the weather.

Uprightness (integrity) – Know your personal and business values (qualities such as honesty, fairness, compassion, simplicity etc). Have these written down where you can refer to them often and where you can use them to make decisions.

Branches

Vehicles of communication – Review how you communicate with clients, colleagues, employees and associates. Decide what needs to change, what needs freshening up, what needs to be stopped.

Flexibility – Make a point of asking for and listening to new ideas. Respond to complaints with curiosity and an open mind. Recognise the gift in the opinions of others. In particular, think of objections as opportunities to improve your service to others.

Growth – Look at your business relationships as a reflection on where you need to develop. Particularly think of the relationships you’re finding challenging. Make a note of what these tell you about yourself.

Reaching out – Make a note of what you currently do to “meet people where they are”. Check up on your clients’, suppliers’ and colleagues’ understanding of your business purpose. Aim to improve your methods for educating them on your offering and the benefits it will give them.

Leaves

Relationship with (sun)light – Ponder on how you relate to your spiritual nature. Notice how that shows up in your business life, if it does at all. Make a point of using your intuition in your communication with others as well as your knowledge.

Nourishment – Ensure that you nourish your business relationships. You can do this by providing encouragement, practical support for others and inspiration. Remember also to provide yourself with regular doses of inspirational material.

Flowers

Beauty – Take some time to notice what is beautiful about your business and the people who are involved with it. Work on those elements that attract most clients to your business. Notice what keeps them hovering around. Use those strengths to under promise and over deliver.

Gratitude – Make space each day for expressing your gratitude to those with whom you work. This focuses people’s attention on their strengths and their successes and helps them to empower themselves to achieve even more.

Fruit and Seeds

New life – Get together with others to start a new project or joint venture or rejuvenate an old one. When dealing with others in your profession or trade, focus on cooperation rather than competition, co-creation rather than power struggles.

Congratulations! – Celebrate your successes with those who helped you.

Those of you, who, like me, run your own business, will probably be familiar with the sometimes unpredictable nature of one’s work routine and income. Somehow, even the best of plans can suddenly go seriously astray, seemingly without warning.

Personally, I know I’m veering off course and not coping with it when I start to plan My Big Escape! My Big Escape fantasy involves packing a small suitcase with just enough possessions to survive for the rest of my life (monk/nun style) and walking out of the house and into the sunset, thumbing a lift as I go! No responsibilities, no worries and hardly any baggage, Samsonite or otherwise!

Since making this enlightening discovery, I’ve decided to catch myself at the point in the internal movie where I’m choosing the contents of my suitcase, rather than waiting until that beautiful sunset beckons. Running away from our predicaments doesn’t work. It simply buries the painful feelings deeply inside, only to emerge later as anger, resentment or even illness.

Acceptance is the first step to handling these difficult situations. It is about fully embracing life as it is; disagreements, computer breakdowns, illness, accidents, delays, disappointments and all. This might sound like resignation or apathy, but actually there is a fundamental difference. Acceptance simply means refusing to be consumed by how we would like things to be and instead actively engaging with the reality that confronts us. Once we have accepted a situation, then, yes we may find that some things are unacceptable and need to be changed. Then we take action. This is the difference between apathy and acceptance. Someone experiencing apathy will not take action, whereas someone who is accepting of the situation will recognise the need to change and will act upon it.

From a rational perspective, it is the way we manage our expectations that can get us into trouble. Non- acceptance means there is a gap between the demands or rigid expectations of our minds and the reality of what is. This is what causes us pain and what drains our energy.

In a spiritual sense, acceptance means not judging events as “good” or “bad”. What is important is how we respond to those events rather than how we judge them. Eckhart Tolle, in his book “The Power of Now”, calls this response to events “Positive Action” which he says is about “Accepting that you are stuck in the mud without deceiving yourself that it’s ok to be stuck in the mud. Then take action to get yourself out. This is then positive action – much more effective than that which arises out of anger, despair, or frustration.”

It is pointless to judge events as being “good” or “bad” when either may have positive or negative consequences. A “bad event” can result in a challenge for us from which we learn something. A “good event” brings joy, but then sadness because it passes away.

In spiritual terms, acceptance is often referred to as “surrender”, where surrender means giving up our attachment to the outcome of a situation or event. This can be particularly challenging when we encounter change.

It’s a fact of life – change is inevitable, and accepting that fact frees us to surrender to life’s ups and downs. Welcoming change helps us to grow as it encourages us to step outside our comfort zones. Losing something potentially makes room for something better. So, acceptance is perfectly compatible with taking action, initiating change or achieving goals.

In a state of acceptance, we gain access to a more positive sort of energy that flows like a surge of life force into our actions.

Perhaps I’ll just put that suitcase back up in the loft…

Many years ago I spent some time working in a steel works as a metallurgist. A steel works can be a fascinating and quite frightening place to be and, alongside the powerful images of huge furnaces and rolling mills, one of the more beautiful visions that I remember is that of the sand casting process. Rather less brutal and more bespoke than other forming methods, sand casting involved creating an individual mould out of sand, filling it with molten alloy and waiting for the metal to cool and solidify. Once cooled, the only way the shiny new metal component could be retrieved was by breaking the mould. This, for me, is a wonderful metaphor for cultivating a new habit by letting go of the old and breaking through something that constrains us.

Story of My Life

How often do we hear ourselves saying or thinking “That’s the story of my life”? What are we telling ourselves when we say this? Usually it’s something along the lines of “I always do it that way” or “people always treat me that way” or “that’s just the way I am.” This is fine as long as we’re happy with the way things are. But what if the story of our lives is one of constraint, tolerance, repression, or anger? When we convince ourselves that this is the way our life is, then our energy is drained and we become held back from leading our best lives.

In order to cultivate new habits that serve us and boost our energy, we need to re-write those old stories in a much more positive vein. For example, if we are telling ourselves “other people always take me for granted – that’s the story of my life” then our new story might be “I value myself. I know when to say no and how to be assertive.” The kind of stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how we are, are underpinned by our beliefs about ourselves. The key to changing those stories from negative ones to positive versions that serve us well is to change our beliefs.

Attitudes

Some people talk about belief systems in terms of attitude. I can remember being introduced to this idea when I started a new job selling high tech equipment into scientific laboratories. There were some aspects of the job I was really looking forward to – meeting lots of interesting people, mixing with those who were at the forefront of materials science and listening to their hopes and aspirations. There was one aspect I was dreading – attempting to persuade these same people that they wanted to buy our equipment over and above an equivalent from another company. Why was I dreading it? I imagined that those who were involved in selling had to learn a script parrot fashion, regardless of what they truly believed about the product or the customer’s real need, and manipulate their way through to a successful sale.

Then my very wise and wonderful boss introduced me to the idea of adopting a successful attitude. He convinced me that it was ok for me to just be myself, build relationships of trust with my customers and do my best to understand and meet their needs. He understood the benefits of cultivating a healthy belief system and that this would then support the positive stories I told myself about how successful I was at my job. In this way, I broke through the constraints of my negative beliefs around selling and freed myself me to establish new, authentic, empowering habits in my job and then to train others to do the same.

Be compassionate and forgiving towards yourself

In forming new habits, we need to understand that there is a process involved. Some habits have been so long established that making any changes can feel extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes, we need to make the changes one small step at a time. In contrast, sometimes it’s like standing on the edge of a cliff and just deciding to jump! We may experience failure many times before the new habit starts to feel easy. We know we’ve made it when doing something the new way starts to feel easier than doing it the old way.

During this time, we need to forgive ourselves our transgressions and show ourselves some compassion. It’s easy to beat ourselves up over our failures. It takes fortitude to forgive ourselves and move on.

“What do you do that’s frivolous?” This was a question posed of me at a pre-Christmas party and caught me completely unprepared. In that moment, despite being ever so slightly under the influence of a rather delicious glass of mulled wine, I couldn’t think of a single thing! Well, how boring does that make me?!

I often ask a similar question of my coaching clients when they first sign up with me. How much time in your life do you devote to fun and play? Whilst fun and play may not seem as trivial as frivolity, it’s incredible how many of us tend to overlook the importance of having some time off to do something for pure enjoyment. At the other extreme, I do know one person, a fellow coach, whose highest priority in her life is to have fun! When she explained this to me, my first reaction was “I wonder how she ever gets anything done in her life.” And maybe that’s the problem – we see fun as getting in the way of getting things done, when really having some time off recharges our batteries, relieves stress and reminds us of the bigger picture of our lives. In actual fact, my coaching friend does not spend all her time on frivolous activities. Her emphasis on fun is an attitude of mind that tinges and permeates everything she does. I have to say, she’s great company!

One of the misconceptions about sustainable living is that it involves self-deprivation and poverty. That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun and indeed, if that were the case then it wouldn’t be. To quote Duane Elgin: “It is not about living in poverty. Poverty is involuntary and debilitating, whereas simplicity is voluntary and enabling.” Some people have described to me not only how, once they have decided to slow their lives down, they find more time to play, but also how they enjoy finding the fun in everyday activities. For example, once they commit themselves to spending more time with their children, they are able to relax with them, becoming totally embroiled in their child’s view of the world. They are then able to allow their inner child to engage with them, and just play for the sake of playing. This is so different from “spending quality time” which somehow ends up as a chore fitted into a window of opportunity in our busy diaries. So, having fun does not necessarily have to mean arranging separate “fun activities” to do, it can simply mean developing a greater awareness of the more beautiful, funny and playful side of what we are already committed to. Isn’t this what sustainable living is all about? Simplifying our lives enough to leave us time to appreciate, play with, derive fun from what is already there. We don’t need to spend money or consume in excess to do that.

Perhaps it works the other way round too. When we are feeling stressed and are finding it challenging to disengage from the adrenaline hits, we can make a point of smiling or laughing. Laughter generates endorphins in the brain which help us feel better. It’s also infectious. Even a broad grin will elicit a happy response in most people. When I’m feeling morose one of things I like to do is make a conscious decision to smile at everyone I meet that day. Ok, the risk here I know is that some will regard me as a complete nutter! (And those of you who know me personally will no doubt identify with that!) But for the most part it works. Other people then smile at me and then we all feel better!

Another strategy we can use is to become aware of and engage all of our senses. In his book Timeless Simplicity, John Lane talks about the sensual enjoyment he gains from simple tasks – what he calls “The Sacred Arts of Life.” He regrets that the art and craft of cooking, for example, has been replaced with the supermarket’s mass produced ready-meals. He says: “nothing is more intrinsically creative than cooking, which engages all the senses…we need to play with the colours of a dish, the texture of the food…even sounds can be enticing…all these elements carried out with mindfulness provide opportunities for creative choice.”

Fun and frivolity are essential elements in a balanced existence. We can use them to increase our enjoyment of what we currently find tedious, indulge in them for the sake of taking a break and use them as opportunities for deepening our connection with others.

Since starting my downshifting journey to a more sustainable existence, I have become acutely aware of just how frequently other people voice their exasperation at “having to lead a seemingly pointless and unhappy existence.” I was one of those people a mere 10 years ago. So much has changed in that short space of time.

In 1998, there I was, a small business owner, employing 6 others, shackled to a large mortgage and living in the home counties. My children were stressed and I was stressed, but at least we were earning enough money to support our affluent lifestyle, even if we didn’t have any spare time to enjoy it! 10 years later and I am working part time from home, living a relatively low cost, sustainable, debt-free lifestyle and self-employed, supporting others who wish to tread a similar path. Both my children and I are less stressed and happier and are free to enjoy our lives in the moment, rather than striving forever for an imagined, utopian future.

Coaching others through similar processes has been for me an exhilarating, enlightening and humbling experience. One of my clients recently commented “downshifting really does happen on several different levels doesn’t it?”

Like many, she was forcibly downshifted. Having worked herself to the point of burnout, she was diagnosed with ME and obliged to take extended sick leave. She was the main breadwinner in her family and felt hugely responsible for letting her family down and for being rejected by her former employers as she was no longer a “useful human resource.”

Letting go of the old way of life.

The first level of downshifting is often accepting a loss of some kind. For those who are forcibly downshifted, for example through ill health or redundancy, the shock of having to embark on a new way of life is maybe to be expected. Many will view their situation as an opportunity, nevertheless, and it can be truly inspiring to work in coaching partnership with such positive people.

Some, however, will not welcome a positive viewpoint in the beginning and need sensitive support and guidance to come to terms with their loss and welcome the inevitable changes in their lives. Even those who actively choose to downshift and take the courageous move of quitting a well-paid job, grieve for their old way of life. There may well be aspects of their former way of being that they cherished and now miss, even though their overall existence was viewed as something undesirable.

Again, encouraging an acceptance of that loss and a willingness to view their situation from different perspectives is usually fruitful and often inspiring. From this point on, many clients are able to welcome the changes happening in their lives, whether expected or unforeseen, as their self-confidence and self-awareness develops.

Philosophies of transformation.

Despite the fact that life coaching is perceived by many to be “about goal-setting,” in practice most downshifters seem to prefer to spend at least an equal amount of their coaching sessions on process work. Much of this centres on their philosophies of transformation. Some will view downshifting, or a change to a more sustainable way of life, as a learning experience. At the point where they can start to view their dilemma in a positive light, even those in ill health will begin to talk about their situation in terms of learning experiences.

Many envisage a new path and an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth and we explore what that means to them and how they can benefit from their insights. Some feel they have stepped up to a new level or are beginning a new phase in their lives. For them, coaching can be about embracing new objectives and achieving wisdom, honesty and openness.

For some, it can also encompass clearing the dead wood in their lives and recycling it to nourish new growth. Many experience the concept of “living in the moment” for the first time in their lives. Authenticity is an idea that we discuss frequently, especially having elicited the client’s core values and discussed the relationship and importance these have to their everyday lives.

Looking at abundance and prosperity.

As one might expect, the subject of money and the trials and tribulations of surviving with less, or indeed how to earn more, are a regular feature of coaching conversations. The idea of wealth as something that encompasses anything other than financial issues is a revelation for many. We frequently explore different aspects of abundance theory, limiting beliefs surrounding prosperity and money and their ideas on overcoming these. Sooner or later, the client is able to observe their attitude to wealth, success and prosperity in a broader and more flexible sense, thus freeing them to redefine what a purposeful life has become for them.

At peace, at last.

When asked what they ultimately hope to achieve through coaching, the bottom line for many is “peace, tranquillity or happiness”. It is truly a joy when we reach this landmark together in partnership. And this partnership is one in which I invariably find myself learning alongside the client. I’m sure other coaches will identify with this. Being on a similar downshifting journey myself, the insights and revelations that my clients unearth frequently challenge my own limiting beliefs and so I too am moved further down my personal downshifting path.

For me, witnessing a client’s delight in attaining their goal of peace, tranquillity or happiness is just as much a part of my own definition of success in being what I hope is an authentic, committed and fulfilled “Sustainable Living Coach.”