I’d like to invite you to think for a moment about those activities that you enjoy doing most now, as an adult, and see if you can remember how you learnt to do them.  Were you taught in a formal way? Did you teach yourself? Did you learn through performing tasks, reading about it or some other way? What motivated you?

How I learned to swim

I have a great affinity with water and my favourite way of exercising is swimming. It’s something I look forward to doing every week and I enjoy a reasonable level of competency. When I think back to how I learned to swim, what emerges is a hotch potch of different events. Some of my education in this area was very much “free range” in that I was introduced to a variety of opportunities at various times in my childhood and was free to choose for myself those which suited me at the time. At other times swimming lessons were forced upon me.

To begin with, I went swimming with my father at our local swimming pool on a Saturday morning. I remember having mixed feelings about this. I wanted to spend time with my father and I wanted to learn to swim, but the water was very cold and very highly chlorinated, so these sessions often resulted in my eyes feeling sore and I remember feeling sick in the car on the way home. I think I progressed reasonably well with my swimming skills this way, but the conditions were not at all ideal.

Then there were a few summer holidays when we stayed in a hotel with a lovely, warm, indoor pool and my progress was much faster during these few weeks. I plucked up the courage to swim under water and to dive in. I remember feeling much happier during those times. The atmosphere was more relaxed, more fun, and I was learning in an environment that was much more physically comfortable.

Later on I had compulsory swimming lessons at school which I did not enjoy and in which I made little progress. These were followed by private lessons with an army swimming instructor who was cruel and ruthless in his methods. He motivated his students through fear and humiliation and, whilst I obeyed his commands at the time (I really had no choice if I wanted to avoid drowning!) and improved my stamina as a result, the experience left me angry and resentful.

As an adult, I returned to swimming lessons voluntarily, improving my technique and stamina alongside my children with an instructor we all regarded as a friend.

What do I mean by “free range education”? It is when we are at liberty to choose what we learn, in an environment, at a time, at a level and in a way that’s right for us. When I first took my children out of school and decided to home educate them, my main concern was that they might not make progress. So, I decided to stick with what I knew worked for them and, although they were 8 and 6 years old at the time, I re-visited the methods I had used with them as pre-schoolers because I knew they had been happy and well-rounded in their education at that point.

So, I just presented them with opportunities, made a variety of resources available to them, a bit at a time and watched to see what would happen. Leaving them free to choose seemed to be the key. Yes, of course sometimes they chose to do things that I didn’t consider to be very “educational”, but I came to understand that learning happens in the most surprising of places and in a very wide range of ways if we let it and don’t get in the way! The most amazing outcome for me at the same time was that I was starting to take a similar attitude with my own learning and to learn from the methods I was watching my sons adopt. They were starting to teach me how to learn!

They taught me that:

Firstly – it’s important to be in the right frame of mind and in a comfortable environment. If you’ve just been kicked in the teeth by your older brother, now’s not a good time! Chill out first doing nothing or something relaxing or easy and then come back to it later.

Secondly – is it really you who wants to do this? If you feel you’re being forced into a learning situation and it’s just not right for you, object in the strongest terms! Find out what’s behind the coercion and get the adult involved to reconsider their motives – grown ups can be very devious!

Thirdly – if someone says “Did you copy that?” stick up for yourself and look proud of the fact that you did! What’s more, introduce your accuser to the person you copied and explain what a wonderful friend they are! Modelling is an excellent form of learning and children know the importance of finding someone they admire, who’s an expert at what they want to learn, and then apprenticing themselves to that person.

And finally – if it’s something your friends are doing and it looks like fun to learn something together, go for it! Learning as part of a group can be stimulating and enjoyable in many ways. There are opportunities to practice social skills and working with others, as well as taking on board a range of ideas and perspectives.

So, in conclusion, the lessons for the adults are: notice what you really want to learn – be honest with yourself about what’s motivating you (forget the “oughts” and “shoulds”). Give yourself permission to explore, experiment and make mistakes. If you want help from a teacher or prefer to learn some parts with others, make sure you find people you get on well with. Above all, enjoy yourself!

How much of your life is controlled by others and how much by you?

Last month, I was fortunate enough to spend a weekend relaxing and walking in South Yorkshire and the Peak District. The weather was what we optimistically call “changeable” here in the UK! I’m not averse to carrying on walking in a light drizzle but, when it got very cold and very wet, decided that the small museum in Castleton looked exceptionally interesting!

Drying off and warming up in the museum, I noticed amongst the exhibits an old plaque displaying the Serenity Prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change:
The courage to change the things I can:
And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Now, like many of you I suspect, I must’ve seen that prayer a hundred times in one form or another. It always brings my mind back to the very basics of living in simplicity. This time, it also reminded me of the struggles we can have when caught in the rat race.

One of the problems we face in the rat race is that we can find ourselves spending a large part of our waking hours jumping through other people’s hoops. We might be keeping to strict working hours and conditions, for example, following rules we don’t agree with or codes of conduct that clash with our values. Maybe we live in an environment that feels oppressive or restricting because our needs and opinions are not being taken into account. Perhaps our life looks like it was designed for someone else. In this type of situation we can end up feeling very much like a victim of circumstance. Well, what can we do about that?

Acceptance.

We can just accept how life is and decide to be content with that. Too uncomfortable? I would suggest that acceptance is a great place to start with any situation but not a good place to stay for any length of time if it leads to us to becoming complacent or lethargic. (If you would like to read more about acceptance and the difference between that and complacency, then you could read my article “Accepting What Is”.  When we have regrets, start blaming ourselves or others and wishing “if only…” then we fritter our energy away and block ourselves to making progress.

In contrast, when we start by accepting our situation, then we are able to focus all our energy on moving forward and improving our lot. This, I think, is what is meant by the “serenity to accept”. Often, from this place of calm serenity we can start to see that there are indeed alternatives to playing the victim. We can begin to imagine a different way of living that is more in keeping with our nature. Our actions spring from our thoughts and being able to imagine some other possibilities than staying on the treadmill is the first stage to stepping off and towards a more fulfilling existence.

There’s another part to having the “serenity to accept”. This is about knowing that it’s ok to enjoy the journey however many highs and lows there may be on it! Rather than depriving ourselves of our happiness because we haven’t “got there yet”, we can cultivate an attitude of acceptance on each step along the way.

Courage

Being able to visualise an alternative way of living can seem easy compared to “having the courage to change the things you can.” There have been times in my life, just prior to a large and necessary change, when I have felt absolutely terrified beyond belief. This has usually been so severe that I have felt paralysed and totally unable to function normally. Having lived to tell the tale, I now know that that feeling of paralysis usually heralds a new awakening. So I find it much easier to “just be” when it happens, trusting that the phase of terror, and often confusion too, will pass. During one of these times, I was complaining about my agonies to my brother, a man of deep thought and very few words, and explaining that I felt as though I was at the bottom of a very deep, dark pit. He simply retorted “I guess the only way out is up then”. The next day, I sprang into action.

Wisdom

Which brings me neatly on to wisdom. How do you know when you can change something?

• Give everyone in the family the opportunity to voice their opinions on where they want to go and what they want to do. Distinguish between “needs” and “wants.” For example, if one member of the family says “I want to go to Scotland” but others don’t agree, find out what it is about Scotland that appeals by asking “What would going to Scotland give you?” The answers might be something like – “wild and rugged countryside”, “the chance to explore somewhere new”, “the enjoyment of spending time with my Scottish friends/family.” These are the underlying needs which can probably be met in several different ways with a bit of creative thinking.

• Agree on a budget, destination, timescale and activities.

• Aim for mutual consent rather than compromise, win-win situations in other words. Respect each other’s preferences and aim to match “needs” rather than “wants” (see above).

• Expect personal interactions to be different whilst you’re on holiday and make allowances – after all, maybe you don’t normally spend this much time together, so relationships can start to feel a bit intense. Also, you’re not on home ground which may create anxiety in some family members..

• Do your planning and build in contingencies for delays, illness and allergies etc

• Be prepared to give yourselves a break from each other from time to time by separating family members and going off to do different things e.g. Dad takes one child swimming, whilst his partner goes souvenir hunting with another and older youngsters go exploring on their own.

• If things start to go wrong, remember to put your relationships first. E.g. When Tommy loses his flip-flops in the sea or Mum backs the car into a bollard, reassure them that everyone makes mistakes and that they are still loved despite all of that.:)

• Do remember to pack your sense of humour and… have fun!

Some people call living a sustainable lifestyle, “conscious living”. “Conscious” in this sense means in a state of awareness where we are mindful of our behaviour, our actions and the likely consequences of them. When we live consciously – sustainably- we live with an awareness of our connection to the universe and the part we play in it.

So, what about our relationships with others?  They will inevitably form an important part of our sustainable lifestyle. Can they be conscious too?  I suggest that they can and that conscious personal and business relationships are a necessary part of living in balance and with a high quality of life.

Joe, a coaching client, was desperate to make a start with his new small business, supplying a new exercise machine to leisure centres and private health clubs. His partner, Patti, meanwhile had been hoping that their lives would begin to slow down and de-stress now that their children were growing up and becoming more independent. To Joe, this felt like a huge conflict brewing and he didn’t want to compromise on his business or his relationship with Patti. Ideally, he was hoping that both would thrive.

Through coaching, Joe discovered that what was driving his new business ambitions was his need to “be seen to be making it” and that he hadn’t taken into account the big picture that he and Patti held for their future together. He also wasn’t happy with being motivated by something that he considered to be materialistic rather being true to who he was. Once he and Patti unearthed the common ground in their aspirations, Joe realised he could modify his business plans in such a way as to meet his need to feel connected to Patti and also to his many friends and colleagues in the leisure industry. He didn’t need to “perform” in his relationship with Patti and be the “successful businessman and husband”.

All he really wanted was the contact and shared enjoyable times with loved ones and friends. He continued by letting this be the driving force behind his new venture and as a result enjoyed running a successful small business and spending time with his partner.

This illustrates the difference between “performing” in our relationships with others and “connecting”. “Connecting” is what happens when we are relating consciously, when we take the time to really listen to ourselves and others on a deep level and to act according to what we learn.

How do you know when you’re “performing”?

The clues are: your focus is on doing the “right thing” by others, looking good, conforming to social norms, providing entertainment or drama, relating to others in order to receive, manipulate or control in some way. You probably won’t be picking up on atmosphere and energy levels around you. If you are performing then your behaviour will not feel congruent with who you really are. You may find yourself doing things that you wouldn’t normally do when on your own and when acting in accordance with your own values. You may feel embarrassed when looking back on events where you’ve been behaving this way.

How do you know when you’re “connecting”?

You will feel a deeper understanding with those around you, greater acceptance, maybe love, empathy, compassion, and you will be relating with others in order to give to them and allow them to shine. You will probably be sensitive to the atmosphere and energy levels around you. When you are connecting you will feel very comfortable that what you say and do in that relationship is in no way in conflict with your personal values. There will be few regrets.

The benefit of “connection” rather than “performance” in business and personal relationships is the authenticity and trust that connection feeds. It may be quite clear in a personal relationship, for example with a spouse or a child, that authenticity and trust are valuable assets. Perhaps this is not so obvious when it comes to considering our business relationships. If you are running your business sustainably then you will be attaching great importance to the people element of your triple bottom line (see my article on Sustainable Small Business if you need further clarification on the triple bottom line).

Take some time to remind yourself of the nature of your most important business relationships. Who are those relationships with? Remember that clients will make buying decisions based on their emotional needs however rational they might appear to be in their thinking. How well do you understand their needs and their problems? What about your suppliers and associates – How well do you understand their needs and problems? This is essential information if you want to connect with them, earn their trust, their respect and ultimately their custom. You will enjoy the added bonus of the personal fulfilment of relating authentically and consciously.

Conclusion.

Despite what the TV soap operas would have us believe, our relationships with others do not have to consist of one drama after another. When we give up performing and focus on connecting instead, both our business and personal relationships flourish.

Are you committed to downshifting or de-stressing your life but can’t find the motivation you need to take the first step? Are there some external factors in your life, such as hefty mortgage repayments or an unsupportive partner that you feel are preventing you from realising your dream? Some conventional methods for moving ourselves forward in situations such as these often fall short on staying power and realism, so I’ve come up with an alternative approach.

Last month, in part one of this article, we looked at the first two stages of motivating ourselves the easy way. They are “Responsibility” and “Re-view”. If you missed part one, do email me for a copy. This month we look at stages 3 and 4.

3) Renewal

The most important part of the renewal stage is the discovery or our real needs through being more aware and sensitive to them. This is different to being aware of what others tell us we need to be and do. It’s about knowing at our very core what it is that’s important to us.

With my personal coaching clients I will do what is known as a values elicitation exercise at this point. Once we know our core values – what really makes us tick, not what we’d like other people to think makes us tick! – then we can distinguish between where we’re forcing ourselves to change and where we’re feeling inspired to change.

This is key – the difference between coercion and inspiration -, because, we can then be more honest with ourselves about what drives us and where our strengths and weaknesses lie. The next step then involves nurturing, co-ordinating and harnessing our personal resources for maximum effect.

In starting out on a lifestyle change in this way, we are moving from a disciplinary approach to a visionary approach. One of the things that I encourage my clients to do to support themselves at this stage is to find out what kind of material inspires them and then to include a little bit of this in their lives every single day. For example, this might be spending time in nature or reading inspirational material or painting or playing music or meditating. Do take some time to reflect on what inspiration material is for you and then carry this knowledge into the next stage.

4) Re-create

What you need to create will become evident once you have made the time to complete stages 1-3. The inspiration and truths you unveil will point towards some new possibilities for you to explore. Then you can put together, piece by piece, a new regimen – not imposed but something that will work naturally and authentically for you. You’ll know that you’ve reached this point when you feel enthusiastic and energised about what’s about to happen.

From this point, I would suggest that you build one new decision at a time into your daily and weekly regime. For example, suppose you’ve decided to buy your food from local suppliers rather than through a supermarket, your first new decision might be to pay a weekly visit to your nearest farmers’ market, buy what you can from your grocery list from there and then only buy the balance from your usual supermarket.

Conclusion

Conventional wisdom tells us that in order to achieve something great, such as downshifting, we need to apply some kind of force. These 4 easy stages offer us an easier, more realistic and enjoyable alternative, fuelled by our inspiration rather than by coercion.

Suggested Further Reading:

You Can Have What You Want. Michael Neill.

“There is no try. There is only do or do not.” Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back.

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.” Martin Luther King Jr.