News and Events
Here's an interesting initiative - Bikeworks in East London
is a social enterprise that offers a range of organisational
and public cycle services including; cycle training courses,
repairs, bike re-cycling, travel planning and sales of
new & second hand bikes.
If you're thinking of doing up your home, you could do
a lot worse than consult the Low Impact Living Initiative.
They have courses on "DIY for Beginners,""Sustainable
water and sewage," "Sustainable energy for the
Home," "Heating with Wood" and "Solar
Hot Water" this month. See their
website for further
details.
Recycle your jewellery for good. If you
have broken or unwanted jewellery, perhaps an odd cufflink
or earring,
or a bracelet whose fashionable days are over, the Alzheimer's
Society can recycle it to raise funds to help fight dementia.
Find out more at www.alzheimers.org.uk/oldgold
There seems to be a kind of response
to stress that says we need to work harder, force ourselves
to give
more, make it happen, cajole others into complying with
our needs. I’ve noticed this urge in myself and
travelled alongside clients as they’ve wrestled
with this one.
Jess was starting a small business providing home-cooked
pies for sale through local retailers. But things were
not going well. She had advertised in the local press,
approached retailers in person with her ideas and leafleted
others, but only a few had agreed to take some samples
to sell and of those, only one had placed a follow up
order with her. Jess was at the end of her tether and
on the point of quitting.
Why is it that things just insist
on not working out right sometimes? Why don’t
people just do what we want them to do? Just for once!...If
that resonates
with you, maybe you can relate to the feelings of disappointment,
resentment, anger and frustration that result from talking
to ourselves in this way and attempting to coerce ourselves
and others into particular courses of action.
As if to add insult to injury,
all that pressure, force and coercion that we put ourselves
through in order to
find a way out of our stressful situation only leads
to yet more stress! Obviously this is not what you’d
call an easy solution. So, what is?
Stop
Yes, stop right there. Stop pushing,
stop forcing. Forcing and coercion are approaches that
do not support sustainability
or simplicity. I think the saying goes: “When you’re
already in a hole, stop digging.” Now breathe,
let out a big sigh and stand back to examine:
Who is it you’re trying
to persuade? (Your partner, your child, your business
colleague, your friend?)
What would you like them to do?
Whatever your answers to these
questions, there’s
a simpler, easier solution than persuasion and it’s
a lower stress alternative too. It’s called the
Gentle Art of Non-Persuasion and it leads to more harmonious
and sustainable relationships all round.
A Need for Understanding.
Firstly, see what you can do to
understand the situation from the other person’s point of view. You will
need to talk with them, ask plenty of questions and listen
carefully to their responses. What are their needs in
this instance? What would they like to happen? Where
are the opportunities for them? Observe them too, their
body language, their tone of voice and their willingness
to chat. If it’s a child, the non-verbal clues
could be particularly informative.
Then ask yourself the same questions: “What are
my needs?”, “What would I like to happen?” “Where
are the opportunities for me here?”
This is not about preparing yourself
for a negotiation or about judging the information
you receive as material
you can use to persuade. All you’re aiming to do
at this stage is to build up a picture of what the situation
is all about, underneath any miscommunications or strong
emotional reactions.
When Jess stopped and took a broader view of her unhappy
situation, she realised that she needed to go back to
the food retailers and have quite a different kind of
conversation with them in order to understand what might
work for them. As a result of this she understood that
most of them wanted different terms of trading to those
she had assumed would work. They loved her product. She
had just been making it difficult for them to do business
with her. As a result of her being willing to listen
carefully to one particular retailer, she was offered
the opportunity to run a cookery course on their premises,
an idea that she welcomed and that led to some excellent
publicity and continued sales of her pies.
Who’s ready to listen?
An important lesson for Jess was to accept that some
retailers were not willing to speak with her or listen
to what she had to offer. Whilst she had been angry and
disheartened by this situation initially, she came to
understand that she could let go of wanting those situations
to be different and concentrate on those people she knew
were ready to listen to her.
Who’s ready to act?
Even out of those who were willing
to listen and found Jess’s ideas interesting,
only a handful were willing to take some samples from
Jess on a trial basis. However,
she began to believe that, by keeping in contact with
these people and building friendships with those who
were willing to listen but not act, she would secure
further clients with time.
Putting Relationship and Mutuality first.
I remember reading a very useful
book on parenting teenagers where it described the
challenges of dealing with some
aspects of teenage behaviour. I liked the approach of
the book (details below!) because it suggested alternative
approaches to doing battle with my teenage children.
The author asked “What is more important for you,
that you prove yourself to be right on this particular
issue, or that you foster a healthy relationship with
your teen?” You might also have heard the expression “Make
yourself happy, rather than right.” Whether you
are focussing on communicating with your partner, your
children or your clients, the principles of simplicity
and sustainability would support you in putting:
i) the relationship and
ii) mutually beneficial solutions
first over and above persuading
anyone else of your point of view. This approach involves
letting go of being
attached to particular outcomes i.e. that you’ll
be able to prove your point or that you’ll be able
to persuade another to your way of thinking.
The Gentle Art of Non-Persuasion involves:
understanding,
listening,
knowing when to act and when to let go of the outcome
and
making your connection with others a higher priority
than having power over them.
Sugggested Reading (even
if you don’t have teens!):
"Parent-Teen Breakthrough. The Relationship Approach." Mira
Kirshenbaum
