The monthly newsletter for aspiring downshifters,
sustainable living enthusiasts and sustainopreneurs.

November 2007
In this issue...

1. Conscious Relationships: Do You Perform or Connect?
2. The Buddha and the Terrorist. By Satish Kumar (review).
3. Your exploration this month.
4. Quotes of the month
5. Want to comment or contribute?
6. Teleclasses and personal coaching

1. Conscious Relationships: Do You Perform or Connect?

Some people call living a sustainable lifestyle, “conscious living”. “Conscious” in this sense means in a state of awareness where we are mindful of our behaviour, our actions and the likely consequences of them. When we live consciously - sustainably- we live with an awareness of our connection to the universe and the part we play in it.

So, what about our relationships with others? They will inevitably form an important part of our sustainable lifestyle. Can they be conscious too? I suggest that they can and that conscious personal and business relationships are a necessary part of living in balance and with a high quality of life.

Joe, a coaching client, was desperate to make a start with his new small business, supplying a new exercise machine to leisure centres and private health clubs. His partner, Patti, meanwhile had been hoping that their lives would begin to slow down and de-stress now that their children were growing up and becoming more independent. To Joe, this felt like a huge conflict brewing and he didn’t want to compromise on his business or his relationship with Patti. Ideally, he was hoping that both would thrive.

Through coaching, Joe discovered that what was driving his new business ambitions was his need to “be seen to be making it” and that he hadn’t taken into account the big picture that he and Patti held for their future together. He also wasn’t happy with being motivated by something that he considered to be materialistic rather being true to who he was. Once he and Patti unearthed the common ground in their aspirations, Joe realised he could modify his business plans in such a way as to meet his need to feel connected to Patti and also to his many friends and colleagues in the leisure industry. He didn’t need to “perform” in his relationship with Patti and be the “successful businessman and husband”. All he really wanted was the contact and shared enjoyable times with loved ones and friends. He continued by letting this be the driving force behind his new venture and as a result enjoyed running a successful small business and spending time with his partner.

This illustrates the difference between “performing” in our relationships with others and “connecting”. “Connecting” is what happens when we are relating consciously, when we take the time to really listen to ourselves and others on a deep level and to act according to what we learn.

How do you know when you’re “performing”?

Your focus is on doing the “right thing” by others, looking good, conforming to social norms, providing entertainment or drama, relating to others in order to receive, manipulate or control in some way. You probably won’t be picking up on atmosphere and energy levels around you. If you are performing then your behaviour will not feel congruent with who you really are. You may find yourself doing things that you wouldn’t normally do when on your own and when acting in accordance with your own values. You may feel embarrassed when looking back on events where you’ve been behaving this way.

How do you know when you’re “connecting”?

You will feel a deeper understanding with those around you, greater acceptance, maybe love, empathy, compassion, and you will be relating with others in order to give to them and allow them to shine. You will probably be sensitive to the atmosphere and energy levels around you. When you are connecting you will feel very comfortable that what you say and do in that relationship is in no way in conflict with your personal values. There will be few regrets.

The benefits of “connection” rather than “performance” in business and personal relationships is the authenticity and trust that connection feeds. It may be quite clear in a personal relationship, for example with a spouse or a child, that authenticity and trust are valuable assets. Perhaps this is not so obvious when it comes to considering our business relationships. If you are running your business sustainably then you will be attaching great importance to the "people" element of your triple bottom line (see my article on Sustainable Small Business if you would like further clarification on the triple bottom line).

Take some time to remind yourself of the nature of your most important business relationships. Who are those relationships with? Remember that clients will make buying decisions based on their emotional needs, however rational they might appear to be in their thinking. How well do you understand their needs and their problems? What about your suppliers and associates – how well do you understand their needs and problems? This is essential information if you want to connect with them, earn their trust, their respect and ultimately their custom. You will enjoy the added bonus of the personal fulfilment of relating authentically and consciously.

Conclusion.

Despite what the TV soap operas would have us believe, our relationships with others do not have to consist of one drama after another. When we give up performing and focus on connecting instead, both our business and personal relationships flourish.

Suggested Further Reading

Getting to Peace. By William Ury (author of "Getting to Yes")

Non-Violent Communication. By Marshall Rosenburg.

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2. The Buddha and the Terrorist. By Satish Kumar (review).

It’s never ceased to amaze and inspire me that stories that are thousands of years old can yield a message that we can relate to now and that makes perfect sense in the 21st Century. For this reason, I love to read parables from ancient spiritual texts and this is one of my favourites.

The main character in this tale is Angulimala who is a serial killer. He terrorises his fellow villagers by ambushing and killing his victims, chopping off their fingers and stringing them around his neck in a gruesome and bloody necklace. His unusual encounter with the Buddha leads not to the death of the Buddha but incredibly to Angulimala’s reformation and enlightenment due to the kindness and compassion of the Buddha. Whilst the Buddha accepts Angulimala into spiritual service, the villagers seek revenge and want him punished for his awful deeds. However, when Angulimala is finally put on trial, they come to understand that putting Angulimala to death will not bring back their loved ones and would deprive their community of an excellent spiritual teacher.

There are useful messages for us living in the 21st century, especially in our current political climate:

There are alternatives to punishment and revenge.
There is a need to address the social and environmental issues underlying terrorism (and that this is nothing new.)
Human beings have a tremendous capacity for forgiveness, even in the most challenging of circumstances.
There is a need to understand the true meaning of forgiveness and repentance.

Satish Kumar is Editor of Resurgence magazine and Director of Programmes at Schumacher College. He is the author of two other books: “No Destination: An Autobiography” and “You Are, Therefore I am: A Declaration of Dependence.”

3. Your exploration this month.

Thinking about a troublesome relationship you are experiencing in your personal or business life – what would it be like to greatly simplify this area of your life?

Sit quietly and reflect on this, letting the images or answers arise easily.

Then ask yourself a second question – if you did this, would you be happy? If not, how would you feel?

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4. Quotes of the month.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
Judy Garland

“If we want to be compassionate we must be conscious of the words we use. We must both speak and listen from the heart.”

Marshall B. Rosenberg

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5. Want to comment or contribute?

If you would like to comment on any aspect of this newsletter or submit an article for inclusion in it, please contact me by email.

6. Teleclasses and personal coaching.

"6 Steps to a Sustainable Small Business"

A series of 6 teleclasses, each 45 minutes long, exploring the three main elements of the Triple Bottom Line of Sustainable Business Practices, People, Planet, Profit and how to incorporate them into your business.

More details.

"How to Step off the Treadmill"

A series of six teleclasses, each 45 minutes long, exploring the elements of downshifting, the reality of living a sustainable lifestyle in a consumer driven society and how to motivate ourselves to make the switch.

More details.

What is a Teleclass?

A teleclass is a straightforward, low cost and sustainable way of taking part in a group learning session. It's like a conference telephone call.Each participant is supplied with a phone number to call at the appointed time. When you call, you will be welcomed to a virtual classroom where you can listen to the class leader present the teleclass material and you can participate by asking or answering questions if you wish. So it's just like being in a real classroom or workshop setting except that you can take part in the comfort of your own home without having to travel anywhere!

More details

Personal Coaching

One-to-one coaching can help you:

• let go of your old,stressful way of life, find a new path of vitality and an improved way of living.
• deal with fears surrounding financial responsibilities, your relationships with others and other consequences of making a major life change.
• improve your health, wellbeing and spiritual life.
• further your personal growth.
• achieve balance, clarity and peace.
  
  You can view further details on personal coaching here.

7. Privacy policy

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Have a fruitful month!

Sally

Sally Lever
Sustainable Living Coach

+44 (0)1749 674842
sally@sallylever.co.uk
http://www.sallylever.co.uk/

7 Welsford Avenue, Wells, Somerset. BA5 2HX. UK.